No No No

The Bitter Together campaign have today called upon the Scottish Executive to ensure that the forthcoming publication of it’s white paper on Independence is ‘entirely honest and upfront’ about the implications of a ‘Yes’ vote on next year’s Christmas celebrations.

The delivery of a ‘Yes’ vote in next year’s September 18th plebiscite it warns, could have grave consequences for Scotland’s ‘scabby, snot-faced weans’ and could jeopordise entirely the continued enjoyment of the festive season in an newly independent Scotland.

Recent observations published by the London based Institute of Fiscal Studies (IFS) raise a number of concerns regarding the fiscal sustainability of a free Scotland but it is the apparent lack of interest shown by Deputy First Minister, Nicola Sturgeon in explaining what an independent Scotland intends to do about Santa’s carbon footprint that is now irking the rank and filth of Bitter Together.

Recent figures estimate that the nation’s favourite obese drunk will be responsible for releasing 69.7 million metric tonnes of  carbon emissions over the night of the 24th as he sloshes through the snow. This astounding figure includes 53,667 metric tonnes of methane from the arseholes of his reindeer alone. A figure only eclipsed by oor Johann after a ‘think tank’ in Mother India’s.

Alisdair ‘Silver Balls’ Darling, former chancellor and now the brains and brawn behind Bitter Together was proper bealin’ when approached for a comment this afternoon, ‘Listen ya wee radge, I couldnae gie twa monkey fucks aboot a new Constitution for Scotland or transferring Tunnock’s Tea Cakes into public ownership’, he raged, ‘Ah’m mair worried aboot this carbon footprint… ah’ve only jist got ma new carpet fitted in the living room so that bastard better min’ and tak’ his boots aff in the fireplace.’

The Scottish Affairs Committee were next to express their concerns, ‘The White Paper must be beyond reproach. The only way to ensure that this is the case is for the government to outline precisely what it intends to enact in the immediate aftermath of a ‘Yes’ vote to ensure that Santa’s business in the People’s Republic of Scotland is conducted in accordance with current legislation where applicable and shiny new legislation where his business is found to be outside of our ken.

‘We would draw the government’s attention to the current Regulation of Investigatory Powers Act and it’s implications for the collection of data pertaining to a child’s inherent ‘goodness’ or otherwise and ask it outlines within the white paper how it plans to resolve current criticisms from some quarters that this form of covert monitoring breaches Article 8 of the European Convention on Human Rights’.

The movement of Mr. Claus’ team of reindeer has also been cited as an impediment to the continued retention of his services going forward.

Chief Secretary to the Treasury, Danny Alexander presses the point, ‘At present, Santa would have to prove that he has completed the relevant training course and displayed the requisite competence for the transportation of livestock.

‘To the best of my knowledge, as of yet, he has not bothered his arse.

‘Under the Animal Welfare Act, 2006, Santa cannot move his reindeer between restricted zones without filling out the appropriate Standard Movement (AML24) document and although the reindeers are highly unlikely to be represented by a Union – unlike those anarchic Elfs with their European Working Time Directives forever clasped firmly in their tiny calloused hands – they would still be entitled to rest breaks which, on such a tight schedule would present significant problems for Santa’s good little boys and girls. Paragons of virtue they may be now but the sight of hee haw presents under the tree will put an end to that. Wait and see how ‘good’ they are when mammy and daddy has to admit that Santa has been delayed until February while he files the necessary paperwork with the Department of Environment, Food and Rural Affairs’.  

Home Secretary Theresa May was equally forthright, ‘I don’t believe in Santa Claus. I never have. I certainly never received any gifts from him. But if he does exist, and by so doing that would imply I lacked the necessary ‘goodness’ in my youth to receive his largesse, he is not only a hopeless judge of character but an irresponsible prick.

‘Legislation is in place to ensure all aircraft – including those powered by flying reindeer – do not fly below a height of 1,000m in major conurbations, never mind bouncing across rooftops. Mr. Claus has also shown a blatant disregard for Distance Selling Regulations which entitle any child a full refund within 7 days of receipt of item, the European Union’s Waste Electric and Electronic Equipment Directive – responsibility for which is still uncertain as the Grotto has yet to state whether or not the elves are employees of Mr. Claus or are acting as independent contractors – or the Work at Heights Regulations, 2005 that would ensure an adequate guard rail is fitted to Santa’s sleigh or a suitable fall arrest system is in place should he suffer a calamity brought on by the copious amounts of brandy and Buckfast he consumes as he staggers from rooftop to rooftop relieving himself in every chimney on his way.

‘While I’m at it, that Alex Salmond is an irresponsible prick also. What he must now say in this white paper of his is whether or not he intends to sign up to the Schengen agreement or continue with the present arrangement of the Common Travel Area (CTA). I would urge him however, to consider very carefully how he plans to proceed. Signing up to Schengen will inevitably lead to increased border control between our two nations and given Santa’s incredibly tight schedule, the resulting delays – which we estimate could last several years – will inevitably result in a decision by Santa to deem all Scotland’s children, as I once was, as being simply not good enough to receive his love’.

The author acknowledges some wonderfully, distracting nonsense from, and Bruce Handy which made this piece a damn sight easier to research.

Andrew S. Loveland’s ‘The Sound of Abundance of Rain‘ is available to buy in the Kindle store now.

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